13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
After having just read the book by Amy Morin - which I highly recommend - these are some key highlights and notes I took on achieving mental strength.
1. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself
It prevents you from dealing with other emotions. When you notice self pity creeping in, make an effort to do something contrary to how you feel. Often, we are better at handing out words of encouragement to people other than ourselves. Try talking to yourself as if you were talking to your best friend. Start to acknowledge other people's kindness and generosity. Affirm the good in the world and you will begin to appreciate what you have
2. Don't give away your power
When we hate enemies, we are giving them power over our sleep, appetite, health, thoughts and emotions. Each time you don't say no to something you really don't want, you give away power. Giving away power means you become highly sensitive to criticism, lacking the ability to evaluate it and giving much more power to other people's words than they deserve. Evaluate feedback, determine if it has any validity before you accept it. Look at the evidence. Think why might this person be giving you this feedback?
If you don't speak up when people hurt your feelings or allow them to enter your life in an unwelcome manner, you might grow resentful toward them. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you doesn't mean you excuse their behaviour, but you stop wasting energy on it. Take a close look at the people you devote your time and energy to. Are they the people you want to receive it?
Important note: every single time you lose your cool, you give that other person your power. Take deep breaths, excuse yourself from the situation, distract yourself and come back to the problem with a calm mind.
3. Don't shy away from change
The longer you wait the harder it gets. Do you think it’s easier to quit smoking after your first cigarette or after twenty years of smoking?
Often, some of the best things in life come from our ability to conquer a challenge through hard work.
Positive change leads to increased motivation and increased motivation leads to more positive change. Embracing change is a two-way street.
4. Don't focus on things you can't control
Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about? The desire to fix everything can also stem from a sort of superhero complex. We hold on to the mistaken belief that if we just try hard enough, everything will turn out the way we want.
Trying to be in complete control leads to anxiety: you need to let things develop.
Take notice of times when you’ve devoted too much energy to people and circumstances that you just couldn’t change. Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control. When you notice you have a lot of anxiety about a situation, do what you can to manage your reaction and influence the outcome. But recognise you can’t control other people, and you can’t ever have complete control over the end result. When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you’ll have more time and energy to devote to things you can control.
5. Don't worry about pleasing everyone
"Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." - Lao Tzu
Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behavior proves we’re generous. But when you think about it, always trying to please people isn’t a selfless act. It’s actually quite self-centered. It assumes that everyone cares about your every move. It also assumes you think you have the power to control how other people feel.
When you’re faced with decisions in your life, it’s important to know exactly what your values are so you can make the best choices.
6. Don't fear taking calculated risks
"Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Taking calculated risks often mean the difference between living a mediocre life and living an extraordinary life. Analyse: what are the potential costs? What are the potential benefits? How will this help me achieve x goal? How good would it be in the best case scenario and how bad would it be in the worst case? How can I reduce risk? How much will this decision matter in 5 years?
7. Don't dwell on the past
Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing you from enjoying the present and planning for the future. But you don’t have to stay stuck in the past. You can choose to start living in the moment.
Many people wrongly believe that the amount of time you grieve over someone is directly proportional to the amount of love you had for someone. Truth is, there isn't a right amount of time to grieve.
Recognize times when you’re dwelling on the past and take the steps necessary to heal your emotions so you can move forward.
8. Don't make the same mistakes over and over
"The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing." - John Powell
If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it. Set any negative feelings you might have aside, acknowledge the factors that led up to your misstep, and learn from it:
- What went wrong? Spend a little bit of time reflecting on your mistakes. Try to discern the facts about what happened.
- What could I have done better?
- What should I do differently next time?
When you view mistakes not as something negative but instead as an opportunity to improve yourself, you’ll be able to devote time and energy into making sure you don’t repeat them.
9. Don't resent other people's success
"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies." - Nelson Mandela
Learn from your friends who are good at something and become better yourself. Have a humble approach to life and remember you can always learn something from anybody.
Celebrate other people's accomplishments. It is said that good friends are there in the bad times. However, I would argue that it's even more important to be there in the good times. Being able to celebrate your friends success is a more clear indicator that you wish them well and that you're comfortable being in a supporting role with no resentment or envy.
When you stop resenting others' success, you become free to work toward your own goals.
10. Don't give up after the first failure
Grit might be a better predictor of success than IQ. If you consistently show up, your failures will become learnings and you will grow and become better.
Some people are comfortable with failure in certain areas of life but not in others. Focus on identifying the areas in your life where you are not comfortable with failure, and put your energy in learning from those experiences.
11. Don't fear alone time
"All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone." - Blaise Pascal
Learning to be comfortable alone is extremely important to discern what's important and what's not in life. Spending time alone sparks creativity, boosts productivity, helps increase your empathy and is great for mental health. Do not confuse having alone time with being lonely. For instance, being forced to be alone (eg. solitary confinement) is a terrible punishment but choosing to be alone at certain times should be seen as a reward.
During alone time, journaling is a powerful tool to understand and learn from your emotions. When you look back at certain experiences you've had in life, it's very hard to recall exactly how you felt and what your thoughts were. Being able to easily pull that information can help you deal better with similar situations in the future and avoid common traps.
12. Don't think the world owes you anything
Advertising tempts us to buy products by promoting self-indulgence and materialism. The idea that “You deserve it,” whether you can afford it or not, leads many among us to go deeply into debt.
Many people blame their problems in adulthood on difficulties they encountered during childhood, they remove the responsibility from themselves and become victims. Successful people do the opposite. They understand the limitations they might have, but also see their opportunities and grab them.
When you stop demanding that you need more and are able to be satisfied with what you have, you’ll reap tremendous benefits in life. You’ll move forward with a sense of peace and contentment without experiencing bitterness and selfishness.
13. Don't expect immediate results
We live in a world of instant gratification thanks to many of the advancements in the last century. In this very world, it's important to understand that delaying gratification can make us stronger.
It's very easy to create unrealistic expectations in some areas of life. Be it a weight loss or financial goal. Aim to create realistic expectations. Try to be as rational as possible when assessing and breaking down a goal into milestones. Find accurate ways to measure progress and celebrate the smaller milestones, not just the big goal. Learn to cope with negative feelings to avoid falling into temptation along the way.