Handling Regret

In his book, The Power of Regret, Daniel Pink explores how regret can be a powerful motivator and catalyst for personal growth. Regret is a universal human experience and an integral part of being human. It is healthy and valuable, clarifying and instructing. Regret can lift us up and deepen our persistence, which almost always elevates performance. However, lingering on regret for too long or selecting the wrong target for regret can have the opposite effect. When handled properly, regret can make us better by honing our decisions, boosting our performance, and bestowing a deeper sense of meaning. We should confront our emotions and use them as a catalyst for future behavior. Framing regret as an evaluation of a particular behavior in a particular situation, rather than a judgment of our underlying character, can be instructive. By understanding the effects of regret, we can learn to handle it properly and use it as a tool for personal growth.

"Thinking is for doing. We act in order to survive. We think in order to act."

In the book, Pink explores the four types of regret: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets.

Foundation regrets refer to our failure to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent. These regrets often manifest as education, finance, or health-related regrets. We regret not putting in the effort when we had the chance.

Boldness regrets occur when we don't take a risk, and over time, we regret the chances we didn't take more than the chances we did. These regrets can be related to education, work, or love life. What haunts us is the inaction itself.

Moral regrets arise when we compromise our belief in our own goodness. We often face choices that tempt us to take the low road, and we may not feel bad immediately. Still, over time, these morally dubious decisions can gnaw at us. These regrets are typically the smallest in number, the greatest in variety and the most individually painful.

Connection regrets arise from our failure to recognize and honor the importance of relationships. Fractured or unrealized relationships with spouses, partners, parents, children, siblings and friends constitute the largest deep structure category of regret. When those relationships fray or disappear, we feel an abiding loss.

We perceive regret respective to how we see ourselves. Our actual self is the bundle of attributes that we currently possess. Our ideal self is the self we believe we could be—our hopes, wishes, and dreams. And our ought self is the self we believe we should be—our duties, commitments, and responsibilities. In general, failures to become our ideal selves are failures to pursue opportunities. Failures to become our ought selves are failures to fulfill obligations. All four of the core regrets involve opportunity, obligation, or both.

How to address regrets?

One way to address regrets of action is to make amends for the harm caused. If we have harmed others, we should consider apologizing or making some form of restitution. Similarly, if we have harmed ourselves, we can take steps to fix the mistake, such as paying off debt or working more hours.

Another approach to dealing with regret is to reframe the way we think about it. We can ask ourselves how the decision we regret could have turned out worse, look for a silver lining, or find something positive in the experience by completing the sentence “at least…”

Writing about our regrets or talking about them with others can also be helpful. Language forces us to organize and integrate our thoughts, making it easier to process our emotions. Studies have shown that writing about emotional difficulties can have numerous benefits, including improved mood and immune function.

Practicing self-compassion is another key strategy for dealing with regret. Rather than berating ourselves for our mistakes, we should treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. We should recognize that making mistakes is part of the human experience and try to normalize our negative experiences.

Self-distancing is another technique that can help us manage regret. When we are beset by negative emotions, we can immerse ourselves in them, or we can zoom out and view the situation from a detached perspective. Talking about ourselves in the third person or using the “universal you” can help us gain distance and recast threats as challenges.

Finally, we can try to learn from our regrets by imagining how we would advise a friend who is going through a similar experience. By taking a step back and analyzing our regrets from a neutral perspective, we can gain insight into what went wrong and how we can avoid similar mistakes in the future.